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You’ve found your pillow partner. Your forever friend. The person you want to share a Hyundai with for the rest of your life. Why not make the ceremony that joins you in an unbreakable flesh bond somewhat memorable and good?

Consider this: bagpipes.

Bagpipes were invented in Scotland or Ireland maybe and, as I understand it, they are made by shoving a few clarinets down the throat of a sheep. You strap the sheep to your body and you squeeze it and the sheep’s screams become eerie tunes after traveling up the nest of clarinets lodged in its throat.

The interesting thing about bagpipes is that nobody has ever thought to use these wonderful sheep horns as a part of their wedding. Think of what people will say when the lovely bride walks down the aisle to what sounds a lot like sheep being massacred. Think of how your uncle Angus, who you think is very Scottish, will feel when his ancestral music fills the marriage hall and vibrates the rafters. Be sure to call the local paper, because they will want to get a load of this rare and brand new trend.

If you’re not Scottish, don’t worry. Just pretend you are, or maybe your mother is a little Scottish from her dad’s dad. Say something like, yeah they came over from a small town in the high country and then just walk away. If they follow you, make up a city, something like Kilgarry or Stonehaven.

If your partner protests about the presence of bagpipes, that’s ok. Be sure to order a full squad of bagpipe professionals before you bring the idea up so that when your partner tries to argue against it you can say that you thought it would be really special and that you already ordered a full squad and that you did it for him/her. Once they’ve collapsed from guilt, you will have your bagpipe squad.

One common mistake people make when they introduce bagpipes at a wedding is to not use the bagpipes enough. Ask the squad to play throughout the ceremony. Ask the squad to follow you into your limo and serenade you and the wedding party. During your reception, find a way to rotate your bagpipe squad so that there is always at least one bagpipe piping its nightmare screams into the air.

Remember, your wedding is a special day. It’s not a day reserved just for the bride or the bottom, depending on your arrangement. It’s your day too. Make it unique. Do something totally different—something like bagpipes, which have never been done before in a wedding setting.

The Cuck is Gawker’s pop-up, bespoke men’s interest site.